sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind. I sit, stare at the page. I know what needs done, goals are set, deadlines approach. the falling of the grains through the hourglass are palpable. My mouth goes dry, i reach for some water...

In the end, it still sits there. So, it's a passacaglia. so this happens, the melody starts here, moves here. It's all planned, it's ready to be put on the paper. But it feels so wrong as pen hits paper.

There are times that i hear the music. Other times, i can't hear a damn thing through all the noise up there. It's like a thousand imps in my mind screaming a thousand thoughts in a thousand different languages. And it's my job to interpret what's being said and turn it into reality.

maybe i should take yoga. ha! could you imagine lumbering ole me sitting in a yoga class. i wouldn't be able to do the first pose! lol. i am planning a bit of a work-out regime, however, i am missing a couple things and would prefer not to have to purchase them again. perhaps i can have my mother send them.

Anyway, it's hard to think when i'm thinking so much. Clarity is what i need. all that extraneous information sieved out of my head, leaving only what needs done. Anyone have tips? I am thinking back to class with Dr. Carla Edwards, sophomore year, Winter Term. finding my demon, facing it, a million other ideas we tossed around.

One problem i've had was "how i am going to live? loans are nice, but i need a job...but not something that's gonna bring me down." that means no Guitar Center for sure. i'd go crazy. I think i found a nice freelance gig with a lot of room to grow. One less worry...

Still...something i found out during my masters is i can't do technical and acoustic composition at the same time. I do well with electronic stuff when i get technical, cause i see more and more tools. But its hard to go from technical manuals to a score for wind band.

I think working out will help. i think my diet improving will also help. now i just need some recreation. Join a bowling league? when baseball season hits, i'm probably going to try and go often. If i can score season tickets, i will. that'd be hot. 81 home games...

still..why am i here? to write music. get a doctorate. lead myself to a teaching gig.

i need to find a way to write music.

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