Existence

humans are meant to create, to dream, to do more than buy useless shit and sit around all day
this is not existence

some days, that inspires me. maybe, through my music, i can inspire that feeling in others. that there's something more to this shit. that beauty isn't a pornstar, that music isn't a recording, that there's more out there than what the TV and internet tell you

other days, i'm defeated, that not only my chosen profession, but my very life is deemed worthless by society; because it can't be bought and sold; because it exists in a single instant and can't be held onto. since i'm not a commodity, i'm worthless

right now, i'm in the middle, just moving along. But at least I'm trying. even on days i feel defeated, i try. Because if i don't at least try, then there really is no existence

Q: I really want to do something meaningful, but what even defines that? If no one cares, then obviously it isn't
A: it's amazing, but, often times, someone cares, maybe one, maybe ten, maybe 500, maybe the country or the world...

but, i dunno...most days i'm happy if i can reach one person. i accept that in teaching
not everyone in my class will get a lot out of the classes, but if i can reach one student a semester, not even one per class, just one student a semester then at least someone is a little better for it.
This doesn't mean that I don't do my best for every single student. On the contrary, I have to do my best for every student, or else no one would get anything from any class.

it's funny that i accept it more in teaching than in my art. My friends give me positive reinforcement. my bff will listen to it and be positive (she's a damn good sport!). Sometimes there's a bit of an audience. But do i accept that i reach at least one person with every piece I write? Do I EXPECT to reach one person with every piece? or every performance?

No, i lack the confidence in my art it seems. But, I TRY. I put my soul into every creation, from the shortest song written on a straw wrapped and left in a restaurant, to a 17 minute song cycle, to this blog post. Because if i don't, then i've proven the nay-sayers correct- I am worthless and i do nothing meaningful.

Life is more than this...more than the laptop on which I'm typing, more than the studio monitors and audio interface pumping Entombed, more than my crappy Jeep, than the job I hope for after i finish my doctorate so I can pay my loans, more than the sum of every single piece of money and matter.

We, as humans, can do so much more.

So, go, create. Write a song, paint a picture, design a new car engine, sing along with the birds, and do whatever your soul tells you to do. It's about time we listen...