Confession time

I always wanted to be a rockstar

I was so damn jealous of my brothers' band. I'd go to the shows, and even if there were only a handful of people, there was so much energy in those rooms.

The last band they had was "hardcore." That nice line between metal and punk. their demo CD kicked ass.

man, i was jealous. This was when i was in undergrad.

Previously my brothers had separate projects. and i was jealous of those. I was learning classical music, a big band geek, went into music ed. Thought conducting a HS band would be the closest to being a rockstar i'd ever get.

I was always so jealous. They both have much better ears than me. all the training i've had and my ears just don't get better. I can't play in that style. can't write in it either. lol.

but i've decided to. once i finish this overly serious Pierrot piece, and the trombone and wind ensemble concerto, i'm writing a hardcore piece

for voice, bass clarinet, guitar, percussion, and electronics.

and it will be badass.

There's still time to be a rockstar, even if it's with a trombone in hand...

What are we worth?

Ok, this is an incredibly hot topic, and i'm positive i'll take flack one way or the other on this...

First here, here's a link to a story about Sarah Chang and her "Detroit Dilemma"

The union asks Sarah Chang to not perform in Detroit until the labor strike is over.

I've gone through the DSO's site, read through all the articles. It seems the management really boned things over quite well. superbly in the past, reading through some of the things. It's obvious that the people on the management side are definitely not out for the best interest of the musicians. there are many things in the proposal that are just...well...wrong, such as provisions that actually make the playing environment unhealthy for instruments, and some unhealthy for the players (major cuts in health coverage, no pension, etc).

However, when i look at some of things the musicians were discussing, it really made me wonder...

What are we worth? as musicians, as artists, as people.

The current average "veteran" rate for the DSO is $104,650.

The median income in Detroit is around $28,000 (with sharp declines the last few years.)

the current average "veteran" rate for the NY Phil is $134,940

The median income in NYC is around $39,000

This, of course, doesn't tell the whole story, at all. There are tons of other things to consider, for sure...but when i saw those numbers, i got to thinking...

The average pay for an experienced surgeon in the US is between $150-260K a year

It really makes me wonder a great deal about America and how it works. Now, I'm not an expert on such things, but i've just been thinking...what am I worth? what are musicians worth?

In Detroit, the DSO musicians offered to take a 22% pay cut with annual raises for "cost of living." That puts the salary down to the $80K range or so. That, to me, seems like a fair salary. Management wanted to take it down about a third, to the $70K range. I still think that is a fair salary for an orchestral musician IN DETROIT.

why? the living is cheaper. The median cost of a house is around $108K in Detroit (all basic facts and figures taken from Census data...so, they've prolly fallen since 2006's mini census...)

In NYC, of course they're going to have to make more. Why? Have you ever looked for an apartment in NYC? well, here's a taste. Yeah, that's right, spending $2500 is CHEAP in manhattan. That one is on the upper west side, around 96th street. if you go into Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, LI, or NJ it's cheaper, of course, but still not cheap. You're still looking at a 1 BR costing you in the $1K range a month...

makes my $428 studio (which is bigger than most NYC 1 BRs by the way) look like a GREAT deal.

I understand, as a symphony, needing to be competitive to get the best players. But there is only so much a city can sustain. I think the 22% cut is gracious of the musicians and shows a certain practicality. Losing anything as far as health insurance and pension is borderline inhumane to me (but i think health insurance shouldn't cost even half what it does...and that health care is a RIGHT and therefore we should be able to get it without fear of bankruptcy, but, that's another rant...). It really makes me wonder...

I saw a fabulous piece of art for sale in a gallery. It was, basically, a Nerf Sword shoved into a bar stool, the kind with the handle hole in the middle. I thought it was great, i loved seeing the concept of line and space interpreted through these common items. i love the nod to "the sword in the stone." Thought it was fantastic.

The artist wanted $600 for the piece...I took a step back and looked. Yeah, it's awesome, but $600 awesome? how long did it take him to figure that out, conceptually? not long, i'd wager. And the cost of raw materials is low, prolly in the $40 range (cheaper than a really nice canvas!). Take out taxes, (a solid 25% usually) and the gallery fee (some galleries take up to 50%! WTF?!?!?), and maybe a bit more overhead for a "studio." So, he comes out around, say, $175. not bad for 15 minutes of work...

so why the cost? the years of practice? yeah, i get that...but then, a general practicing doctor, for a 15 minute visit, will charge about $150, 200, if he's getting insurance money (i knew some that charge $50 to people without insurance, or sometimes even less...). Let's say he takes $200 for his 15 minutes. after overhead (paying the nurse for her 15, plus the other staff, plus taxes) he prolly takes home about 40% or so, maybe...something like, $80-90 for his 15 minutes.

We can talk about "commodity." We can talk about rarity. but what is your time worth? what are you worth as a musician? as an artist...

When i freelance in KC doing audio, i charge around $25 an hour. I get SCOFFED at for charging that much. well...i do have plenty of experience, 3 years with a major company, 3 more doing recording work, and another 3-4 doing theater work before that. Pretty solid on the experience. Have a MM with an emphasis in that area...and i'm doing a DMA with an emphasis in the area. $25, even in KC, seems about right. if i'm working for a company, and i know they don't have the money, i'll go less. I've worked here for as little as $10 an hour, or even "an equal share" of what a band makes...

What if i were to go play trombone, solo, in an art gallery. what's that worth? what are those 4 hours worth. Well, honestly, i'd say $50/hr if i'm being a jerk. What about lessons? Well, $25 per half hour seems about right for a beginner, MS, even HS, but that may be high. i remember paying $10 per half hour for piano in Indiana...

I'm still trying to find my worth...In the grand scheme of the world, i do not believe I am worth as much as a doctor. Is the worth easy to figure out, in a straight linear fashion? no. But i don't think i'm "worth" more than many professions. I believe what i do is important, but i also realize that it is not as important as other things in my life.

I don't have an answer about Detroit. Now that i've read some more of the arguments, i'm not pro-management anymore (a lot of articles make the Symphony out to be bad guys, not wanting to take wage cuts...even others just make them seem like big jerks whining- and those are the ones written by PRO MUSICIAN BLOGS! lol). I'm not pro anyone. I think the musicians understand the disparity and what's happening in Detroit, so maybe they've got the inside track...

I don't have an answer as to my own worth. I'm not that big into money. I live simply...If i could make around $45K a year, i'd be so freaking happy. unless I'm in NYC, then i'm starving. LOL.

Still...what is a single piece of art worth? what is your time worth? let me know your thoughts. maybe they'll help me sort my own out

the BC Years

Subtitle- How to make the most out of your MM

Let me preface by saying this straight off- i loved Brooklyn College. The faculty there are top notch. i never in a million years would have become the musician i am today without those professors.

And now for the most important piece of advice ever for someone looking at MM programs in the academic areas (i won't speak on performance, as it's not my bag...)

You get what you put into the program.

Brooklyn College is a great school. There is one area that i did not like, and still do not like in some of my classes- combining undergrad and graduate students. I've had 2 classes at UMKC like this and almost all my classes at BC were like this. They get double listed as 400 level undergrad classes. In some cases, this isn't so bad- some specific topic type classes where the grad students may not have a leg up as far as understanding of the material. other classes, such as orchestration, must be insanely intimidating for those undergrads being surrounded by doctoral students waxing poetic and making comparisons to pieces they may never have heard of.

For teachers, this poses 2 problems. first off, you have to set-up 2 different sets of criteria and hold people in the same class to 2 separate grading levels. having taught (and am now teaching) i would find that horrendous. Also, you have the problem of "how do i get these undergrad students to participate?" Honestly, i think they get a ton out of listening to the grad students go on and on.

For a student, it poses another problem. As the teacher attempts to find that happy zone where he is challenging grad students but not losing undergrads, it often tapers a bit toward catering to the undergrads. And i don't mean this as an insult at all- they haven't had the time and experience often to have the same breadth of knowledge as a grad student. And they deserve to have that knowledge presented to them.

So, when you're presented with that situation, take it as 2 things- 1) a teaching moment. seriously. I do it quite often in class, but then i'm geared toward that. and 2) a chance for major personal growth.

in an MM, you're expected to write. a lot. you're held to a higher level (well, i wasn't held to a higher level than DPU but DPU is kinda crazy, i think...). Take the opportunity to really pick your professor's brain. Pick interesting topics. Take classes that interest you and you will want to do research. Send drafts to your prof, ask questions, go to office hours. You may not get to hit a lot of the subject matter in class, because they're going to be splitting the difference between two (or three) different levels of experience

Again, I loved BC. I wrote some awesome papers, did some awesome projects. almost all my classes were joint grad/undergrad, and i took it as chances to just sit in class and work on my projects. Yeah, i was that guy with my head in his laptop, clicking away, then saying a couple choice nuggets, then clicking away again. lol.

Anyway, i spent the time really working on projects. I wrote some major pieces, spent a large amount of time writing a 21 minute chamber opera. It was a solidly good time. There were some awesome papers that i was able to get amazing feedback regarding.

My MM was magical, not because it was NYC (i dislike NYC.) or because Brooklyn College is some ridiculous crazy bubble type school where everything happens in a vacuum. that may be what i loved the most- we all worked, we all lived. we did things in the city as much as or more than campus.

So, i'll sum it up in this way, when hitting the ground running for your MM

1) hopefully you did your research and picked a school where you have teachers in the areas that most interest you. Hook up with those teachers and get the most out of them as possible.

2) don't get caught up in the insanity. It's going to be a ton of work, especially at first. but you'll get accustomed. remember to eat, remember to sleep, and, for goodness sake, when you get sick (which you will) go to the campus health center!

3) If you haven't figured out general areas of research you like, now's the time to try out some hot topics and advanced theory. You don't have to decide upon your MM thesis right off the bat, but you should take a couple semesters to figure out what paths interest you, then hit them

4) plan for your doctorate, but don't let it get in the way. Seriously. I was planning on applying for my DMA right outta my masters. then, life happened. There was this thesis thing, and school, and work. Taking a little time off between MM and DMA/PhD isn't a bad thing at all. in fact most DMA students i know took a little time off.

Now, i would tell you about my amazing DMA quest, but, it goes like this...

I was living in Jersey. The job market was terrible. I lost what work i had and couldn't get any job. i ran out of money

I moved home. i got kicked out of the house because my dad was quite ill and definitely was not himself. So, i lived with friends, worked at a music store for minimum wage, and begged for a reprise from paying my loans (since i could barely afford to eat...). I was applying for DMAs, had the schools generally picked thanks to research and professors. The list wasn't overly large:

SUNY Buffalo, UMKC, Bowling Green State University, Princeton, Cornell. I ended up at UMKC because

1) i was in a bad situation and was desperate.

2) they had an opening in the spring.

3) i got in

Seriously. I took the first offer to get the hell outta dodge

However, i got DAMN lucky. UMKC was my top choice. talk about freakin lucky. beyond lucky...

Yeah, that wasn't as much of a fun story. and now, for lunch and KcEMA concert set-up!

It Gets Better

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Ok, this is my "professional composition blog" but i have to post something about this cause it's really making me crazy...

I'm an ally, and have been for just about as long as I can remember. when i see the stories in the news and hear about all the bullying, violence, and suicides of young LGBT people, i get really upset.

I don't know what to say other than it's wrong. just plain freaking wrong.

I...I really don't know what to say. there are few subjects that really get me, but intolerance like this, especially right now against differing religions and LGBT really just "grind my gears." Throw in that i'm exhausted, and i'm now thinking back to all my LGBT friends through the years, and dealing with things like, oh, suggesting we go to a bar for karaoke and have him say "do you think i can go into a bar called the BUCKHORN dressed like this? I AM WEARING BELLBOTTOMS!" we all had a laugh, but it pissed me off then, and it pisses me off thinking about it.

What's worst for me is that, yes, it gets better. High school is easily the worst time. It gets better.

but there are places where even as adults, it's not safe

It's not safe to go if you're LGBT. Or you're a different race. or a different religion.

It's wrong. just...wrong. I wish i had more eloquence on this subject but i don't. i can't seem to channel it because, deep down, i just don't understand. i don't understand how anyone can hate without knowing a person. how anyone can just automatically dislike someone without knowing anything about them.

At least i'm in one of the more open majors, one of the more open society functions. Music is more open than many other callings in life. There are still places where work is needed, of course, but i'm proud to have so many friends from every walk of life.

who all love each other.

yeah, ok, maybe i'm getting sappy. strange for someone who is definitely characterized often as a jerk, but we all have our soft spots. I'm a jerk to everyone equally, after all. lol

I offer this: if anyone is reading this blog and needs to vent, needs to go off, needs to release their feelings, let me know. It Gets Better, especially if we're all going to help each other.

Ally for life

3 or more is a streak

You'd think there'd be continuity between the titles of my posts that are a series. but, no, i just don't do that. lol

Now we enter the more interesting point in my life: How i got into grad school.

There are tons of questions i'm sure people are DYING to know: what happened during my "lost" year, where did i apply, how did i choose where to apply, how i got into Brooklyn College (i may not have an answer for that one.), and why i chose Brooklyn College, in the end.

First off, I had applied to grad schools during my senior year at DPU. However, i was in and out of my mind, addled, stressed out, and basically going a more than a little crazy. So, i missed 2 deadlines of schools because i had them written down as the wrong deadlines. Yep, i swapped the dates for Brooklyn College and Bowling Green. Now, there was only a 2 week difference, but at the time, Bowling Green was higher on my list. could get an assitanceship, get things paid for, has a new music festival. seemed like a happening place. But, alas, it was due the 1st, Brooklyn the 15th. about the 4th i realized i had the wrong date for BG. But i thought that BG AND Brooklyn were the first. wrong again...see, brain addled

The other school was SUNY Stony Brook. They lost all my "supporting" materials. They had been signed for. I read the name of the person to the lady on the phone. She asked that i resend them (this was a month after the due date, of course.) I answered "Sorry, i don't have enough money to reprint, rebind, and resend all my scores overnight. Unless you want to cut me a check for your mistake, i can't do it. Also, i refuse to attend a school that looses my paperwork. I have dealt with this for 4 years, i will not continue to deal with it."

I was a dick. I admit it. And i don't care one little bit.

For the record, the three schools i looked at the most were Brooklyn College, Bowling Green, and SUNY Stony Brook. Brooklyn College came highly recommended by several people. Carlos thought it was a great school and wanted me to go study with Tania Leon. I met Kevin James (the composer/trombonist, not the comedian) who had also gotten his MM at Brooklyn College and highly recommended it. Two somewhat pivotal guys in my deciding to composer, telling me to go to BC? yeah, i'll put it on the list.

Bowling Green interested me because it was somewhat close to many of my friends, has a good reputation for new music, and seemed like a good program. the doctorate interested me more with its emphasis on contemporary music only. Still, it seemed like an interesting school. and the allure of a possible assistanceship was nice.

SUNY Stony Brook also came recommended by Carlos. I checked it out and listened to some music done by the faculty. Daniel Weymouth's music somewhat blew my mind, even though all i heard was Rare Events for Bass Clarinet and Tape. Still, after the debacle my senior year, i definitely was not going to apply again.

So, after not getting into grad school, mostly my own fault, i was going to drift for a year. I knew it was going to happen, and accepted it. My girlfriend at the time suggested we move to South Jersey and live at the beach. Well, i didn't have anything else going on and i had other skill sets i could try. I had previously worked as a lube tech and mechanics helper, i had done retail, and knew a thing or two about the production business and audio recording. Still, my (ex)girlfriend found a job months before me. LOL. just goes to show, ya just never know what'll happen.

I hooked up with a production company doing live events. I was a technician/driver. My job: Prep the order, load the order, drive it to the location, set it up, run it, tear it down, load it, unload it, check it. Seriously, i did everything except take the order. And, considering how much revising those orders went through I might as well have. the business did not have any sort of "inventory tracking." So, when we were out of something, i had to go upstairs, tell them, they had to call the client, and then figure out a substitute. yes, i'm serious...

Anyway, i cut my teeth doing lighting, sound, and video. I worked in a warehouse that had no AC and only had a few heated portions. I knew i wanted to go grad school.

So, i did research, looked at schools. I decided since i didn't do an undergrad in comp, the big names were out. Princeton, Yale, Cornell, Stanford were crossed off immediately. Brooklyn College was on the list with Bowling Green. I figured i should look for more options

That's when i found out Columbia College of Chicago was starting up a film scoring MFA. sounded AWESOME! i love film scores, love the whole process, and had been learning more about video and film the past year. I knew of Columbia because my oldest bro had gone there for a few years for a degree in audio recording.

I printed, bound, and sent off my meager portfolio to Columbia and Brooklyn College. I spaced on Bowling Green, as seemed to be a normal thing for me. My portfolio was...pathetic.

1) a piece for trombone and piano, incredibly tonal, a little rhythmic interest, i guess...Not bad for my second real piece, i guess. The piano writing had some amazing moments for sure

2) Aegean Straight Down for trombone, string orchestra, and timpani. It is...well...a fun little piece, i guess. I wrote it for the DPU Chamber Symphony's 2006 tour. The conductor felt bad because he had chosen a Haydn symphony as the large piece...so, for 25 minutes, i sat backstage and snored. He had suggested i learn an unaccompanied solo, like Mippy II or something, but Carlos suggested i write something. The conductor, Orcenith Smith, agreed, as long as it was relatively easy for the strings (we only had 2 weeks to put it together, after all.) It is...The basses hold an F

for 5 minutes

seriously

3) Two Gray Songs- two art songs with poetry by Kelsie Gray. It was my first foray into art song. I presented them in a masterclass with Jake Heggie. he hated them. i felt discouraged. Carlos loved them. I felt better. And, now i write for voice quite often. and i bet Jake Heggie would hate all my pieces. LOL

4) Things That Go Bump in the Night. It sounds like the title. seriously. I don't remember the instrumentation at all...

It wasn't much. looking back over, in retrospect, it wasn't bad. After meeting people from UMKC finishing their BM in Comp, i am surprised i got in ANYWHERE, but i met some amazing composers here. I went back over them over the summer, just as nostalgia, from the trombone quartet through my masters, and some of it wasn't bad at all. different from what i do now, but i can see it starting, in the piano parts to the piece for Trombone, and in Two Gray Songs...and some of the trombone licks in Aegean. Anyway, i digress...

That's what i sent out. Three pieces, all three were midi-realizations. i had no recordings, even though two had been performed. What i got back from Columbia College was "We like your music. We think you'll be a great composer. but you didn't submit any film music. do you have film skills at all? You're one of the strongest candidates musically, but think you're not a good fit for the program."

Yeah, they were right. lol. still, i was disheartened. But, somehow...

I got into Brooklyn College. I don't know how really. The faculty said it was my originality. They could tell i was willing to take giant leaps, try new things, go outside the box, even if the base skills weren't all there. I got the same answer from the folks at UMKC as well, actually. I always felt i just needed time, and i'd get better.

So, here are the nuggets to gleam out and some real advice

1) start planning early and be willing to take time off to find out where to go. There are millions of schools.

2) ask people in the know. This means your current professors, other students, friends, professional contacts, anyone anywhere. try and get some information!

3) GO VISIT! i didn't do this. I should have. if they know your face and know who you are, it'll go better. E-mail is great, phone calls are nice, but nothing beats showing up and shaking a hand!

the above three are very important. Many schools have a particular style. some teachers exist to create replicants of themselves stylistically. This can work if you want to write in that style. Get to know the programs. some are a lot more open and want varied backgrounds and interests (such as BC and UMKC). Others just want people "that fit." I am not judging either style, but obviously, one of them works much better for me as a student.

4) apply to multiple places, but don't have "fall-back schools." If you don't want to go there, DON'T GO THERE!

5) if you can, get a sample lesson with a teacher. don't go to a school "just because you like the teacher's music." Seriously. You can learn a great deal from people who have completely different styles and approaches than you. In fact, you may learn more. I hold to this. Some of the greatest advice I've gotten from composers whose music i don't particularly like.

6) be willing to move. it's nice staying in your safety zone, but, sometimes, there's just nothing there. take Indiana. There isn't a program in Indiana that suits me for composition. The closest is Bowling Green, really. Even the Chicago schools might not fit well, especially since Augusta Read Thomas is no longer at Northwestern.

7) don't give up. ever. If it's what you really want to do, DO IT! if you don't have the drive and determination to fight through a couple rejection letters than, well, you may not have the drive to make it all the way through.

being an artist, any type of artist, is not easy. It's not all sunshine and lollipops. Be prepared for that.

I loved the process. I switched production companies in Jersey right before my MM started, but i stayed with them for those 2 years doing audio for some amazing bands. I wrote a great deal of music at BC. I learned electronic music. I had known the software, done recording and editing before, knew live sound, but never used it for music. It was pretty awesome to go that direction.

but BC years are for later. for now, I am off! byebye

Sage advice from a fool, pt 2

The beginning of undergrad.

I will lump my undegrad into one short entry. there is some wisdom here, i think...

I entered college. I had a major, was declared from the get-go. Was gun-ho. I even practiced every once in a while I spent more time getting acclimated to the climate than i did studying.

Everything was going quite smoothly, actually. I was getting good grades, made Dean's list a few times. I enjoyed my classes, most of all my education classes. really felt like i had found my calling. It wasn't until half-way through my sophomore year things started to change.

It started with trombone. I hadn't practiced much, and it showed. There was no challenge to the music. I played Morceau Symphonique, some piece i've completely forgotten, and a couple sonatas by Galliard (originally for bassoon.). I hated them all. Got into a fight with my professor, Jim Beckel, about how i was playing "lame music" and i didn't practice "because i didn't need to." Yeah, i wasn't playing them to their fullest, but i was invested, so 80% was good enough.

He challenged me, said bring in a piece i worked up ON MY OWN, to prove i could handle harder literature. I worked my ass off on Concerto for Trombone by Launy Grohndal. I proved myself to my teacher. We started to get along much better after that. It was a big experience for me, and definitely in the relationship we shared. I didn't feel like he respected me as a performer. I know he didn't. and he didn't have any reason to. I didn't practice, didn't try. But i'm the type that NEEDS something to try. I don't always do things just because it's right. like practicing. i know i SHOULD all the time, but i don't.

Junior year, i was having doubts about my major. I was studying conducting more seriously and found out i had a knack for it. I was also writing music a little more seriously on the side. I hadn't ever done anything other than mess around, but for a final theory project, we had to write a piece. I wrote a trombone quartet. Beckel, after our butting heads and now new found understanding, programmed it. Yes, my true opus 1 was a trombone quartet written for a theory assignment. wanna fight about it? lol

People liked it. Genuinely liked it. So, i thought i could write on the side, work on my conducting...January, Junior year...

At DePauw they run a 4-1-4. during the "winter term" as they call it, there are fun classes on campus. i had previously taken a class over the Ring Cycle and one for performance and wellness. Now, i approached Prof Beckel, who is also a good composer, about doing a winter term with him. I would churn out a 5 minute piece for full orchestra.

I knew nothing, formally, of writing music beyond theory. That's...not much to go on. He drilled me hard. I learned about all sorts of forms of development, about counterpoint, fugue, orchestration. in 4 weeks. i wrote a 5 minute piece for orchestra.

It is now buried.

And my life changed forever.

I was urged to take composition...with some guy named Carlos Carrillo. at the same time i was taking 20th century history and theory. my mind was blown. I took in everything "new" i could find. I was voracious, listening to Strauss and Debussy to Schoenberg to John Cage to Morton Feldman to Bang on a Can. I had previously gone to talks by living composers. DePauw does a "composer's of the 21st century" series (though, sometimes the composers are really 21st century. Sorry Samuel Adler, but your time has definitely passed.)

It was all downhill from their. Carlos opened my world up. I grew more and more doubting of wanting to teach MS or HS band. I wanted to be a conductor. I wanted to be a composer. I wanted...

to go to grad school.

It all came to a head my senior year, with Elementary Methods, Materials, and Curriculums. It made me a chain smoker. I worked with kindergarten and 4th graders. it was hell. i snapped.

the last week i could, i quit my major. i had been having arguments about missing time to go to grad school audition days. Seems you can't miss more than a few days and pass student teaching. I pulled out. I got a general music degree. i wrote a piece for trombone and orchestra that went on a west coast tour with the DePauw Chamber Symphony.

I visited U Washington. I wanted to go get my MM in conducting. I met with the conductors and the grad students.

I changed my mind. It was nearly impossible. they expect you to have already been conducting to get in. Most people come in with 2-3 years of public school conducting. i didn't WANT TO CONDUCT HS! no one seemed to understand that. i wanted to be Daniel Baremboim, or Pierre Boulez, or Eugene Ormandy, or Michael Tilson Thomas...not a HS band director, and then hopefully get into conducting a college wind band. i wanted something BIG!

I applied to schools in composition. I either got rejected or had my materials lost...

but i knew what i wanted to do.

I still curse Carlos to this day. LOL. no, i thank him, continuously. He opened my eyes to such a wider world of music, beyond DePauw, beyond Indiana. he showed me the universe of sounds, introduced me to composers i never would have known otherwise. Feldman, Takemitsu, Lutoslowski, Fernyhough, Tania Leon. he had me reading books by Joseph Straus, Morton Feldman, John Cage. my eyes opened to this world. I studied the art, got into Robert Rauschenberg and Lichtenstein. I learned about Laurie Anderson, Yoko Ono (not the "Beatles" but her performance art) and other performance artists.

We all have that moment i think. The moment when, click, we know what it is we're meant to do. I never had that moment before. It was always a "well, i could stand to do this, i guess, if i have to choose." It clicked for me, my senior year, as i sat there on the porch drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, chain smoking clove cigarettes, reading James Joyce. i wanted to be a creator. I wanted to teach, but not little kids, not high schoolers, but the world.

It was the pivotal moment. Then came the hard part- how to make it happen

Next time? how did i get into Brooklyn College, and what happened to my mind?

how'd i get here?

I have been inspired by 2 recent things to write a series on "how i got here." The first was the reminder that it's definitely the time of year people are sending off doctoral apps. We have a prospective doctoral student dropping by UMKC this week. Also, Speak Coffee has started a retrospective of her journey through the MFA process, starting with the application process. I don't have nearly the reader's she does (composers don't seem to keep as many active blogs...at least, none of my friends in the biz do.) but i figure i could offer a little wisdom.

Speak Coffee starts at her MFA process. I'm going to start with undergrad. why? because explaining my MM or DMA process to date wouldn't make sense without it. Most of you know this story, some of you may not. Dunno who reads this blog. lol.

I didn't come into this world knowing i was going to major in music. I played piano starting at a very young age, took lessons, hardly practiced. In late elementary school, i joined band, played trombone, because i accidently checked trombone instead of tuba. My family wasn't poor at the time, but we didn't have extra money floating around so i was supposed to play a "school" instrument. Alas, i checked the wrong box. heh

High school was a bore. I went to a small rural public school in Indiana. it didn't have all the fancy advantageous of bigger schools, or richer schools. The main form of music was the competitive marching band. In my time from 7th grade till 12th grade, i had 4 directors, and an assistant director. One director was a bit more influential than the rest. He had charisma oozing out of every pore. We all wanted to be music majors after hanging out with him.

At the same time, i did a lot of work for a community theater. It's a moderately successful group, the musicals tend to sell out a 500 seat auditorium at least one night of the run. not bad for a theater situated in a town of 6000 or so. It wasn't quite the draw then, but i still landed a major singing lead at 15 (Edward Rutledge in 1776. Yes, at 15 I sang "Molasses to Rum to Slaves." the archival camera, which patched audio directly from the board, actually shook when i hit the final high note. talk about clipping...). I was a theater brat. my mom has her BFA in theater design/acting/directing (yes, triple major. and almost a music minor, but didn't take theory.)

So, yeah, i didn't know what to do. I knew HS sucked, so i started looking forward to college. During my sophomore year i started planning. I was getting materials sent to me from all over the country. I clearly remember some of the schools i considered before i even nailed down a major: Claremont-McKenna, University of Miami (Fl.), John Hopkins/Peabody Conservatory, DePaul, DePauw, Lawrence University, Case Western Reserve, Carnegie Mellon, Tulane. Obviously, i had no idea what kind of school i wanted to attend or what i wanted to major in. That runs the gamut, i'd say. the only thing was a push away from major state schools and toward private schools. The question to most seniors at my school was "Purdue or IU?" i ran away...

After much soul searching, i decided upon Music over Chemistry. i still miss the feeling i got doing all those experiments, but i've replaced it with other types of experiments now. I narrowed down the schools even more- DePaul, DePauw, Lawrence, Peabody, U Miami. I sent applications to DePaul, DePauw, and Lawrence. Peabody's sat finished, waiting for me to do a recording. U Miami cost more than i was willing to spend (it was, at the time, $110 application fee.)

I didn't understand liberal arts education. I wanted my degree to be more specialized, actually learn SOMETHING rather than a little of everything. I never dreamed of going to grad school- to me a bachelors seemed terminal. I had no idea the difference between a conservatory and school of music and just a music department (my mom tried to explain that a conservatory is usually more hardcore.)

I auditioned at DePauw and Lawrence. my decision at the time was 100% based on money.

What did i learn from this?

1) Start looking at schools early even if you don't know what you want to major in. There are thousands of choices, and, depending where you are, your guidance counselors will be no help. this is especially true in music. The only people who can help are the ensemble directors/music teachers in your school, and they may not know that many programs. I know, i wouldn't have been able to tell students jack after i finished my undergrad degree.

2) Look based somewhat on where you want to live. Close to home? far far away from home? i can tell you, it's nice to have your mom be able to drive down for a concert, but have it be far enough away that it's a special trip. Gave me lots of freedom, but if i needed to get home for some reason, i could. not true anymore.

3) visit the schools. don't send a tape. go audition. do an overnight. talk to current students at ALL levels. find out as much info as possible

4) check your mail...it was in Decemeber, 2002, after i started at DePauw that i found the letter from DePaul. they had offered me a large sum of academic scholarship and wanted me to come audition. i don't regret my decision, but i do wonder a bit what would have happened at the other schools.

Thus shows my pre-undergrad years. It was a lot of indecision and fumbling around, wondering where to go and what i needed to do. There wasn't much help at my school, other than my band director giving me a few suggestions (of course, his alma mater first. lol).