A winding creative journey.

I've always written...

When I was young, ten or eleven, I used to write stories. They always had grand proportions. Everything was the start of a trilogy. I was young, so these grand plans always fell apart after ten or fifteen handwritten pages, wide-ruled, of course.

I also used to write songs. Arbitrary little ditties, using the keyboard my parents got me. I'd record a line, play it back and play another line on top. And sing some nonsensical lyrics. Can't remember many, but at least one was about being a hobbit. These were recorded on cassette and rarely played.

When I hit middle school and high school, I kept writing those long stories. Grand plans. Outlines started popping out. I read voraciously, learning from fantasy authors, and the occasional sci-fi author. Dialogue was clunky. Oh so clunky. Descriptions were interesting, but I had no concept of how to have characters interact. It always felt so...fake.

My musical writing was much the same way. I had progressed to occasionally writing things down. I did some arrangements and reharmonizations. Most of the work was...subpar. But I had a strong grasp of theory, so most things were coherent.

Poetry...oh poetry. I had no grasp of the rhythm of poetry. I could tell you about dactyls and alexandrine verse. The knowledge was there, but the feeling was all wrong. It was mixed with music. Long and short, stressed and unstressed...I could pat my leg in rhythm, count stresses based on an arbitrary tempo. When I wrote, my brain worked the same way. The verses wouldn't work without specific setting. They were all "free" even when I tried to write a sonate in iambic pentameter. This all popped up in high school, presumably because I liked the cavalier poets and Shakespeare.

I had one arrangement played in high school, "American Pie" by John McLean. Somewhere, I have a recording of it. No idea about orchestration. Only basic ideas of arranging. It was atrocious. But I was learning. Hearing it played, I knew it was bad.

College hits. Writing became an regular effort, but not creatively. Research, research, research. Learn MLA, Turabian, in-text, footnote, endnote, grammar grammar grammar. I nearly failed my first paper in college. The idea of writing a novel left. Short-stories never manifested. Poetry was a 2am distraction, often in the summer when I wasn't writing papers. Paper topics were often lame, unoriginal, too often biographies or just descriptions. Wasn't until my senior year I tried to get interesting, inventive. Comparisons of orchestrational methods, Biblicism and mysticism in the Quartet for the End of Time. But it was still rehashing ideas--there were volumes published on it. I wasn't saying anything original.

The music I wrote in undergrad was better. The first that was really something was theory driven. There was counterpoint, mostly canonic. It followed a set progression, moving steadily through the work. ABA form, same texture throughout. It was definitely coherent, the theme and general idea interesting enough. It's been performed three times now. Later, I worked with Carlos Carrillo. I wrote a trombone and piano piece that was more free. Roughly sonata form, more adventurous in all ways. Not a bad piece, for a young student. An early string quartet movement I still toute as being the greatest work in the literature because "You can start and stop at any point and it'll work!" A single piece for mixed chamber ensemble that I'd still like to hear played at some point. And a piece for trombone and string orchestra that I toured. The orchestra director felt bad--he programmed a Haydn symphony as the big piece; no trombone part. So, Carlos and I convinced Geno to let me write something short. It's not a bad piece, I was trying hard...and learning, always learning.

I headed off for a masters (eventually). My writing got better, but not after being ripped apart and put back together. Academic, always academic. But I hated the style of prose, so I said screw it, took my own tone. The teachers found it refreshing in one sense, but it needed tightened. The pendulum swung again, too far...academic-ese starting creeping in again. Still, always struggling with how little I knew of writing. The poetry was mostly gone now...hard to read Bukowski and think "yeah, my poetry is alright." I quit because I sucked, and I had no time to possibly get better...especially by fumbling in the dark. Research was all I knew of writing.

Music...I wrote a great deal. And I got better. Much better. It's amazing what guidance can do. The questions, the realizations. Sometimes theory and system driven, other times "intuitive." There were notated and improvisational pieces. A text piece made a scene. An "interactive" piece involving a video, arbitrarily triggered sound files, and poetry by Jack Kerouac got a good review. And an opera. Oh, the opera...

I didn't write the words of the opera. Well, not expressly. I worked on the libretto. Painstakingly. It was passed between myself and the original writer, Eileen Wiedbrauk. It was forced into a shape, turning thoughts into dialogue, descriptions into scenery, words into action. I learned a lot...and didn't think I destroyed the original which had captured my imagination so well.

Doctorate. Oh Doctorate. My academic prose was called "too academic." But when shown to others they said "No, it's very easy to read and colloquial." I was confused. Editing...editing was my bane. I realized it always had been. It was like having my ideas slain before me, their blood spilling across the page with every mark. But I had to learn, and with help, it got better. A paper was picked up for a conference...I presented and then published my first academic paper. It's been presented two more times now. And it hurts every time because I still see problems staring me in the face, taunting me.

I churned pieces out, was getting some performances. People thought some of the music was neat, started getting repeat performances. It seemed insane to me, having pieces picked up for festivals. I had to travel a bit. And I got better, more fluid. Orchestration became the primary focus, timbres swirling...themes, development, form, anyone could do that. But the whole, the entire sound, was all me. Old and new structures intermingled--isorhythm with nested time domains, scales with spectralism, traditional notation with graphic scores. Everything mingled.

Playwriting. I wanted to do another opera. Or a few operas. Dramatic works. Bigger, better, more coherent. I took the class not to become a writer, but to become a better composer. If I could finally start to understand how it was put together. We talked about many things--conflict, stakes, offstage urgency, dialogue creating action, strong and clear ideas, subtext, onstage discoveries. I wrote...But more than anything, I edited. I edited as I wrote. My writing got better, forced into a workshop as a non-writer, around people finishing degrees or entering in with more experience. One play has gone through eight edits. It's almsot right...It's been performed, and I'm editing it again. Something I've never done with a paper...and something I've never done with music.

An opera. I wrote the words this time. The music was somewhat formulaic, somewhat intuitive. There was subtext, not just in the words, but in the music. No quotation, but allusions, recognizable styles and ideas. The story had conflict, and so did the music...at times it was edgy, at other times as stereotypical as it could be. You could hear Schubert lied, Mozart and Verdi, jazz, even a bit of Ferneyhough, though only the smallest portion. And where was I? In every sound, altering it, letting through only what I wanted to come through...

It's been quite a journey, but I'm finding my creative home. Dialogue wasn't really the issue, it was the strength. The medium was the issue--I knew what the characters wanted to say, but I couldn't have them say it the way I wanted in strict prose. But in a play, I can. It's about the characters, a scene, nested themes, plots, and actions. Meaning everywhere, sometimes where you least expect it. A language I can speak.

My music follows the same course. I'm finally finding that language, the mix of everything, where I fit in.

And I still dream big...big projects, big ideas. But now, maybe, after years of preparation, I may finally be ready.

The full length opera is coming to the world soon. But there's still much work to be done

Ah, Music Appreciation

How i have missed thee.

I've now taught 5 different courses, some technical (Music Applications for Computers/Intro to Music Tech I), some creative (Digital Audio and MIDI courses), but the pure fun of music appreciation just can't be matched.

As a music lover and educator, it's nearly the perfect circumstances. In college, Music Appreciation can usually fulfill a "gen ed" requirement. At Brooklyn College, they have "Core Curriculum" requirements that are split into a couple different courses you can take to fulfill. Music Appreciation is one of a few. The same is true at KCKCC.

Why does that create a nice environment? These students don't have to be there. Granted, their options are limited, but if they had no interest in music, there are other areas. of course there are other considerations- it may have been the only class the fits their schedule. Maybe it's the "least of all the evils" and the student still hates music.

Those are all possibilities.

But in any case, it's not like teaching English 101 (or whatever Comp I is). I've had many a friend teach that course. It's a requirement at almost every university. You either take it or pass out of it, but there is no way around the subject coming up. the question becomes how to get the required information to students while engaging them in a class that almost all do not want to be in.

I've got a better starting point. The students want to learn something about music. On top of that, a solid portion of the country enjoys listening to music. Maybe not Western Art Music, but music in general.

It's a bit easier to grab a crowd that wanders in with a little interest.

Oh, Music Appreciation, how i've missed you. Watching students puzzle over the question of "What is music?...Because, of course, we can't learn about a subject until we know what it is we are studying."

To watch everyone tap their feet and clap their hands and realize that it isn't some magic secret- it's just learning new words for what they already felt.

To see the looks of horror the first time you play Penderecki, or the screams of "This isn't music!" when i put on Cage's 4'33...and the ensuing discussion of the importance of questioning preconceptions of music and art. I'm sure some of my students get annoyed when they see my half grin, trying to force back a laugh, as they struggle with questions that too many musicians never even ask themselves.

And to see their eyes light up as math, physics, sociology, psychology, physiology, biology, etymology, semiotics, literature, history, and any other subject they could imagine is brought into the fold

And this is just what i do in the first two weeks

just wait till we hit organum

What are we worth?

Ok, this is an incredibly hot topic, and i'm positive i'll take flack one way or the other on this...

First here, here's a link to a story about Sarah Chang and her "Detroit Dilemma"

The union asks Sarah Chang to not perform in Detroit until the labor strike is over.

I've gone through the DSO's site, read through all the articles. It seems the management really boned things over quite well. superbly in the past, reading through some of the things. It's obvious that the people on the management side are definitely not out for the best interest of the musicians. there are many things in the proposal that are just...well...wrong, such as provisions that actually make the playing environment unhealthy for instruments, and some unhealthy for the players (major cuts in health coverage, no pension, etc).

However, when i look at some of things the musicians were discussing, it really made me wonder...

What are we worth? as musicians, as artists, as people.

The current average "veteran" rate for the DSO is $104,650.

The median income in Detroit is around $28,000 (with sharp declines the last few years.)

the current average "veteran" rate for the NY Phil is $134,940

The median income in NYC is around $39,000

This, of course, doesn't tell the whole story, at all. There are tons of other things to consider, for sure...but when i saw those numbers, i got to thinking...

The average pay for an experienced surgeon in the US is between $150-260K a year

It really makes me wonder a great deal about America and how it works. Now, I'm not an expert on such things, but i've just been thinking...what am I worth? what are musicians worth?

In Detroit, the DSO musicians offered to take a 22% pay cut with annual raises for "cost of living." That puts the salary down to the $80K range or so. That, to me, seems like a fair salary. Management wanted to take it down about a third, to the $70K range. I still think that is a fair salary for an orchestral musician IN DETROIT.

why? the living is cheaper. The median cost of a house is around $108K in Detroit (all basic facts and figures taken from Census data...so, they've prolly fallen since 2006's mini census...)

In NYC, of course they're going to have to make more. Why? Have you ever looked for an apartment in NYC? well, here's a taste. Yeah, that's right, spending $2500 is CHEAP in manhattan. That one is on the upper west side, around 96th street. if you go into Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, LI, or NJ it's cheaper, of course, but still not cheap. You're still looking at a 1 BR costing you in the $1K range a month...

makes my $428 studio (which is bigger than most NYC 1 BRs by the way) look like a GREAT deal.

I understand, as a symphony, needing to be competitive to get the best players. But there is only so much a city can sustain. I think the 22% cut is gracious of the musicians and shows a certain practicality. Losing anything as far as health insurance and pension is borderline inhumane to me (but i think health insurance shouldn't cost even half what it does...and that health care is a RIGHT and therefore we should be able to get it without fear of bankruptcy, but, that's another rant...). It really makes me wonder...

I saw a fabulous piece of art for sale in a gallery. It was, basically, a Nerf Sword shoved into a bar stool, the kind with the handle hole in the middle. I thought it was great, i loved seeing the concept of line and space interpreted through these common items. i love the nod to "the sword in the stone." Thought it was fantastic.

The artist wanted $600 for the piece...I took a step back and looked. Yeah, it's awesome, but $600 awesome? how long did it take him to figure that out, conceptually? not long, i'd wager. And the cost of raw materials is low, prolly in the $40 range (cheaper than a really nice canvas!). Take out taxes, (a solid 25% usually) and the gallery fee (some galleries take up to 50%! WTF?!?!?), and maybe a bit more overhead for a "studio." So, he comes out around, say, $175. not bad for 15 minutes of work...

so why the cost? the years of practice? yeah, i get that...but then, a general practicing doctor, for a 15 minute visit, will charge about $150, 200, if he's getting insurance money (i knew some that charge $50 to people without insurance, or sometimes even less...). Let's say he takes $200 for his 15 minutes. after overhead (paying the nurse for her 15, plus the other staff, plus taxes) he prolly takes home about 40% or so, maybe...something like, $80-90 for his 15 minutes.

We can talk about "commodity." We can talk about rarity. but what is your time worth? what are you worth as a musician? as an artist...

When i freelance in KC doing audio, i charge around $25 an hour. I get SCOFFED at for charging that much. well...i do have plenty of experience, 3 years with a major company, 3 more doing recording work, and another 3-4 doing theater work before that. Pretty solid on the experience. Have a MM with an emphasis in that area...and i'm doing a DMA with an emphasis in the area. $25, even in KC, seems about right. if i'm working for a company, and i know they don't have the money, i'll go less. I've worked here for as little as $10 an hour, or even "an equal share" of what a band makes...

What if i were to go play trombone, solo, in an art gallery. what's that worth? what are those 4 hours worth. Well, honestly, i'd say $50/hr if i'm being a jerk. What about lessons? Well, $25 per half hour seems about right for a beginner, MS, even HS, but that may be high. i remember paying $10 per half hour for piano in Indiana...

I'm still trying to find my worth...In the grand scheme of the world, i do not believe I am worth as much as a doctor. Is the worth easy to figure out, in a straight linear fashion? no. But i don't think i'm "worth" more than many professions. I believe what i do is important, but i also realize that it is not as important as other things in my life.

I don't have an answer about Detroit. Now that i've read some more of the arguments, i'm not pro-management anymore (a lot of articles make the Symphony out to be bad guys, not wanting to take wage cuts...even others just make them seem like big jerks whining- and those are the ones written by PRO MUSICIAN BLOGS! lol). I'm not pro anyone. I think the musicians understand the disparity and what's happening in Detroit, so maybe they've got the inside track...

I don't have an answer as to my own worth. I'm not that big into money. I live simply...If i could make around $45K a year, i'd be so freaking happy. unless I'm in NYC, then i'm starving. LOL.

Still...what is a single piece of art worth? what is your time worth? let me know your thoughts. maybe they'll help me sort my own out

Sage advice from a fool, pt 2

The beginning of undergrad.

I will lump my undegrad into one short entry. there is some wisdom here, i think...

I entered college. I had a major, was declared from the get-go. Was gun-ho. I even practiced every once in a while I spent more time getting acclimated to the climate than i did studying.

Everything was going quite smoothly, actually. I was getting good grades, made Dean's list a few times. I enjoyed my classes, most of all my education classes. really felt like i had found my calling. It wasn't until half-way through my sophomore year things started to change.

It started with trombone. I hadn't practiced much, and it showed. There was no challenge to the music. I played Morceau Symphonique, some piece i've completely forgotten, and a couple sonatas by Galliard (originally for bassoon.). I hated them all. Got into a fight with my professor, Jim Beckel, about how i was playing "lame music" and i didn't practice "because i didn't need to." Yeah, i wasn't playing them to their fullest, but i was invested, so 80% was good enough.

He challenged me, said bring in a piece i worked up ON MY OWN, to prove i could handle harder literature. I worked my ass off on Concerto for Trombone by Launy Grohndal. I proved myself to my teacher. We started to get along much better after that. It was a big experience for me, and definitely in the relationship we shared. I didn't feel like he respected me as a performer. I know he didn't. and he didn't have any reason to. I didn't practice, didn't try. But i'm the type that NEEDS something to try. I don't always do things just because it's right. like practicing. i know i SHOULD all the time, but i don't.

Junior year, i was having doubts about my major. I was studying conducting more seriously and found out i had a knack for it. I was also writing music a little more seriously on the side. I hadn't ever done anything other than mess around, but for a final theory project, we had to write a piece. I wrote a trombone quartet. Beckel, after our butting heads and now new found understanding, programmed it. Yes, my true opus 1 was a trombone quartet written for a theory assignment. wanna fight about it? lol

People liked it. Genuinely liked it. So, i thought i could write on the side, work on my conducting...January, Junior year...

At DePauw they run a 4-1-4. during the "winter term" as they call it, there are fun classes on campus. i had previously taken a class over the Ring Cycle and one for performance and wellness. Now, i approached Prof Beckel, who is also a good composer, about doing a winter term with him. I would churn out a 5 minute piece for full orchestra.

I knew nothing, formally, of writing music beyond theory. That's...not much to go on. He drilled me hard. I learned about all sorts of forms of development, about counterpoint, fugue, orchestration. in 4 weeks. i wrote a 5 minute piece for orchestra.

It is now buried.

And my life changed forever.

I was urged to take composition...with some guy named Carlos Carrillo. at the same time i was taking 20th century history and theory. my mind was blown. I took in everything "new" i could find. I was voracious, listening to Strauss and Debussy to Schoenberg to John Cage to Morton Feldman to Bang on a Can. I had previously gone to talks by living composers. DePauw does a "composer's of the 21st century" series (though, sometimes the composers are really 21st century. Sorry Samuel Adler, but your time has definitely passed.)

It was all downhill from their. Carlos opened my world up. I grew more and more doubting of wanting to teach MS or HS band. I wanted to be a conductor. I wanted to be a composer. I wanted...

to go to grad school.

It all came to a head my senior year, with Elementary Methods, Materials, and Curriculums. It made me a chain smoker. I worked with kindergarten and 4th graders. it was hell. i snapped.

the last week i could, i quit my major. i had been having arguments about missing time to go to grad school audition days. Seems you can't miss more than a few days and pass student teaching. I pulled out. I got a general music degree. i wrote a piece for trombone and orchestra that went on a west coast tour with the DePauw Chamber Symphony.

I visited U Washington. I wanted to go get my MM in conducting. I met with the conductors and the grad students.

I changed my mind. It was nearly impossible. they expect you to have already been conducting to get in. Most people come in with 2-3 years of public school conducting. i didn't WANT TO CONDUCT HS! no one seemed to understand that. i wanted to be Daniel Baremboim, or Pierre Boulez, or Eugene Ormandy, or Michael Tilson Thomas...not a HS band director, and then hopefully get into conducting a college wind band. i wanted something BIG!

I applied to schools in composition. I either got rejected or had my materials lost...

but i knew what i wanted to do.

I still curse Carlos to this day. LOL. no, i thank him, continuously. He opened my eyes to such a wider world of music, beyond DePauw, beyond Indiana. he showed me the universe of sounds, introduced me to composers i never would have known otherwise. Feldman, Takemitsu, Lutoslowski, Fernyhough, Tania Leon. he had me reading books by Joseph Straus, Morton Feldman, John Cage. my eyes opened to this world. I studied the art, got into Robert Rauschenberg and Lichtenstein. I learned about Laurie Anderson, Yoko Ono (not the "Beatles" but her performance art) and other performance artists.

We all have that moment i think. The moment when, click, we know what it is we're meant to do. I never had that moment before. It was always a "well, i could stand to do this, i guess, if i have to choose." It clicked for me, my senior year, as i sat there on the porch drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, chain smoking clove cigarettes, reading James Joyce. i wanted to be a creator. I wanted to teach, but not little kids, not high schoolers, but the world.

It was the pivotal moment. Then came the hard part- how to make it happen

Next time? how did i get into Brooklyn College, and what happened to my mind?

New Beginnings

Had my first doctoral lesson session. UMKC does group lesson style. I support this style 100%. it gives more people listening and seeing a piece, more feedback, and fresh ideas. MFA programs in creative writing seem to all follow a workshop idea, and i'm happy to see a college doing that with composition. the processes used in both are so similar, and yet in music composition, we're expected to have new exciting things every week, for an hour, with the same prof. After a year, or maybe even a semester, especially when working on something large (like, say, an opera), the interactions can become stale.

Not to say i didn't love my lessons at Brooklyn. Doug Cohen and George Brunner are fantastic teachers and i did feel like i took something away every lesson, even if i didn't have much to show them.

Anyway, first lesson was today. My current teacher, Reynold Simpson, was telling us about how when he studied with Carter, he had to bring new material every week, period. If he didn't Carter sent him home. Carter also told Simpson that "as a composer, making 40 hours a week to compose is normal. It is your profession now." Simpson parred it down to about 20 hours a week, especially as a full-time student. Right now, i have that time. When i get a job- which, incidentally i will have to eventually- that may change. unfortunately, composition does not pay my bills. Still...

Simpson also said "you can't wait till inspiration hits. If you sit around, waiting for inspiration, it may never come. or it will come when you're shopping and you may not have a pen and paper handy to jot down that idea." He likened composition to practicing piano (shudder). A solid pianist will practice everyday, 2-4 hours. sounds about right- why i never made it as a pianist. They don't go in ready to play. a lot of days, they don't want to practice. But, they sit down, start running scales, start doing etudes, run passages that haunt them in their sleep over and over again...and, maybe, after an hour or so, they really start to make music. Once they start playing, even the monotonous boring scales and arpeggios, eventually, the music will come...

I'm not an "when inspiration hits" kind of composer. I try to make time on a regular basis and write. unfortunately, i do go in spurts. I'll sit and try, do some sketches, it'll suck, throw it away discouraged, and come back again tomorrow. That may go on for a month or two...maybe longer...all depends on the situation. I had a good period there in September and October, really got some good work done, even if there is only about a minute of music to show for it...Then, November hit, i started working full time at Sam Ash, got kicked out of the house, slept on couches for a few days, moved into a friends apartment for a month...and really lost myself. Shit happens, and, unfortunately, as an emotional creature, it effects me greatly.

I haven't really touched anything since November. I wanted to, i got out the pads at night, tried to write a line or so, get going...and i would toss it aside, go to Hulu and watch some TV...

Now, I'm in Kansas City. I've started my Doctorate. my DMA...in Composition. I have a real chance to get my doctorate by age 30- shooting for the spring before my 31st birthday, including getting my thesis done. That's a lot of work...the coursework runs about 4 years or so, so i'm going to be doing my thesis while still doing coursework.

I've resolved to do this. I had said before "Doctorate by 30." I mean it...

I have decided...I will write every day here. I have to do it. I really have to...This is my last chance, as it were, to do this. I've thrown a lot out to get here, made sacrifices, moved all over the country, took a lot of chances. I know no one here, other than they few guys i've met in the program. I don't know the city...It's a great chance to hole up in my room and write...compose...like a real composer...

I will write everyday. I will also try to write on here everyday, as proof. I will try and put into words what I am doing. If it's not composing, what analysis I've done, what texts i've perused trying to find a sexy, sensual french poem to completely destroy semantically but keep the content...

I resolve to do this. Will i be able to keep it up? i don't know...so far the home-cooking idea has gone well. perhaps things shall work