Something I'm afraid of...

I was forwarded a blog post a couple days ago. It was quite provocative- the first half attacking some of the institutional sexism in place in theater, the coda illustrating what happens exactly when a female speaks out- smacked down with a "this is how it is" and flabbergasted.

The show quoted, Peter and the Starcatcher, is one I would undoubtedly not have wanted to see in the first place. And it's even more likely not one that I would ever write.

This writing thing is new to me. I've just "finished" my first 10 minute play, with revisions and workshopping. It's in the hands of a director and there will undoubtedly be more revisions. The cast is 2 males.

I've seen what the author is talking about first hand, not just in theater but in music as well. This shooting down sexism, saying "oh it's ok because of 'x,' " the tossing it off as a joke. It's always there though, under the surface. There's the conversations in music, the dislike of the all female, or all gay, or all whatever festivals. We talk like it excludes these groups from the mainstream events, that it's "ok to leave them off this concert, because there's a concert over here just for them." Separate is never equal. But also the victim-blaming, "Well, if s/he was just a better composer/writer/actor then we wouldn't even have to talk about this." It's there, a part of many arts...

But that's not what I'm afraid of.

I asked myself after reading this "how can i help change this?" the obvious answer is write strong female characters.

That's what i'm afraid of.

Why? Because I know many strong amazing women. Women who have started businesses, that attended N.O.W. conferences, that help organize unions to fight for workers rights. I've known women who have taken jobs and don't want a family, and women that have turned down high paying jobs to start a family, women who've organized everything themselves and made careers from the ground up while raising a family. I've seen women have to fight for their basic rights (again!) and watch videos of strong women inspiring young girls to not be held down by stereotypes.

And i'm scared to death I won't be able to capture any of that.

My last 2 vocal pieces have been premiered by Sarah E. Fox, a fantastic soprano. The most recent, I asked a friend of mine, Jacob Garbe, to write the text...and to make it somewhat gender neutral. I think the tone is close, still a bit masculine, but much less so than what I'm capable of writing. The older piece I decided that I wanted to set poetry by a female- i was sick of hearing songs for soprano that had an obvious masculine tone to them.

Now, I'm writing my own plays and possibly writing my own libretto (still holding out hope for a collaborator!). And I sit here thinking of great ideas for strong female leads, and I sketch a little dialogue, and it's definitely weak compared to my male characters.

All I can do is practice. Hopefully, I can grow to write a strong, convincing female lead. But I wonder how many men have this problem? There's the mantra "write what you know." And i think it's pretty obvious many men do not understand women in any way shape or form.

The way for me, personally, to fight these issues, is to become a better writer. Because, if I don't, I'll only contribute to the problem while bemoaning "oh, i just can't write convincing female characters." And that's a pretty horrible excuse to perpetuate a problem.

New Beginnings

Had my first doctoral lesson session. UMKC does group lesson style. I support this style 100%. it gives more people listening and seeing a piece, more feedback, and fresh ideas. MFA programs in creative writing seem to all follow a workshop idea, and i'm happy to see a college doing that with composition. the processes used in both are so similar, and yet in music composition, we're expected to have new exciting things every week, for an hour, with the same prof. After a year, or maybe even a semester, especially when working on something large (like, say, an opera), the interactions can become stale.

Not to say i didn't love my lessons at Brooklyn. Doug Cohen and George Brunner are fantastic teachers and i did feel like i took something away every lesson, even if i didn't have much to show them.

Anyway, first lesson was today. My current teacher, Reynold Simpson, was telling us about how when he studied with Carter, he had to bring new material every week, period. If he didn't Carter sent him home. Carter also told Simpson that "as a composer, making 40 hours a week to compose is normal. It is your profession now." Simpson parred it down to about 20 hours a week, especially as a full-time student. Right now, i have that time. When i get a job- which, incidentally i will have to eventually- that may change. unfortunately, composition does not pay my bills. Still...

Simpson also said "you can't wait till inspiration hits. If you sit around, waiting for inspiration, it may never come. or it will come when you're shopping and you may not have a pen and paper handy to jot down that idea." He likened composition to practicing piano (shudder). A solid pianist will practice everyday, 2-4 hours. sounds about right- why i never made it as a pianist. They don't go in ready to play. a lot of days, they don't want to practice. But, they sit down, start running scales, start doing etudes, run passages that haunt them in their sleep over and over again...and, maybe, after an hour or so, they really start to make music. Once they start playing, even the monotonous boring scales and arpeggios, eventually, the music will come...

I'm not an "when inspiration hits" kind of composer. I try to make time on a regular basis and write. unfortunately, i do go in spurts. I'll sit and try, do some sketches, it'll suck, throw it away discouraged, and come back again tomorrow. That may go on for a month or two...maybe longer...all depends on the situation. I had a good period there in September and October, really got some good work done, even if there is only about a minute of music to show for it...Then, November hit, i started working full time at Sam Ash, got kicked out of the house, slept on couches for a few days, moved into a friends apartment for a month...and really lost myself. Shit happens, and, unfortunately, as an emotional creature, it effects me greatly.

I haven't really touched anything since November. I wanted to, i got out the pads at night, tried to write a line or so, get going...and i would toss it aside, go to Hulu and watch some TV...

Now, I'm in Kansas City. I've started my Doctorate. my DMA...in Composition. I have a real chance to get my doctorate by age 30- shooting for the spring before my 31st birthday, including getting my thesis done. That's a lot of work...the coursework runs about 4 years or so, so i'm going to be doing my thesis while still doing coursework.

I've resolved to do this. I had said before "Doctorate by 30." I mean it...

I have decided...I will write every day here. I have to do it. I really have to...This is my last chance, as it were, to do this. I've thrown a lot out to get here, made sacrifices, moved all over the country, took a lot of chances. I know no one here, other than they few guys i've met in the program. I don't know the city...It's a great chance to hole up in my room and write...compose...like a real composer...

I will write everyday. I will also try to write on here everyday, as proof. I will try and put into words what I am doing. If it's not composing, what analysis I've done, what texts i've perused trying to find a sexy, sensual french poem to completely destroy semantically but keep the content...

I resolve to do this. Will i be able to keep it up? i don't know...so far the home-cooking idea has gone well. perhaps things shall work