Limbo

There's an odd sense in our house these days. It's a house with three doctoral and one masters student. All composition. One doctoral is doing his defense this semester. Another defends next spring. The other may as well. The masters student also really only has one year left.

I'm done with coursework after this semester. Comps are finished. Dissertation is not yet completed, but depending on the situation, could be done as early as the fall.

And that's the kicker, for all of us: "...depending on the situation."

I've had uncertainty many times before. After DePauw, I had no direction other than "Apply for grad schools" and found myself on the beach in Jersey. It worked out. But there weren't any opportunities when I graduated, i made them.

After Brooklyn, similar situation. Job in Jersey disappeared with the economy. I applied for whatever I could, but a Masters degree is a tricky thing in my field. It's not the terminal degree, so teaching positions are incredibly difficult to find, beyond the occasional adjunct work. But much of the rest of the world sees you as horribly overqualified. So, I started a dark period in Indiana, begging for work for  3 months before getting hired at a music store making practically nothing.

Then I got into a Doctoral program. It was, somewhat, in desperation. But it was one of the schools I was interested in...I just didn't do the usual process and check out the schools.

So, there was a lot of unknown after my Masters, but, again, it was an unknown with no possibilities over my head.

Now, I'm finishing my doctorate. I've gotten one awesome opportunity for the fall already, and I'm hoping to be there. But, there's still so much over my head...

There's this Fulbright business. I will hear anytime between now and June 1. Sooner is much better, whether positive or negative. I have a preference for a "come on out to Sweden," but knowing is much better than not knowing.

There are job opportunities. Should I apply? I'll be ABD. I could be ABD with a "just waiting for the semester to end to get the diploma, but he defended in August." I could be ABD till May 2014. And then there's the fact, I could apply for the job, and get the Fulbright AND the job? What then? I'm guessing I'd turn down the job, but how will that affect future applications. My advisor has assured me that no one begrudges a Fulbright winner for taking off. I'll hold onto that.

And what if neither happen? Will I continue to work on this full length opera, or bang out a second short and turn in a set of two for my dissertation? I could be done, again, by August, or take my sweet ole time then and work on the craft and editing. I could definitely go to the opportunity in the fall, which would be effing awesome. I could do more in Kansas City, set-up events, maybe stage a couple more productions. Could edit what I have now, make it even tighter. Do a string quartet version of Cake finally.

And what exactly is my dissertation? Is it a full-length? Is it an "evening of short operas" with two 15-20 minute operas?

I've been feeling stuck in this Limbo. When there are no ready options, the world is open to you. You can take any opportunity that pops up, float around, skip town and move across the country. You spend your days searching. It's a different Limbo, a different stress. There's still a sense of unknown, but it's total unknown. The mind has difficulty processing the idea of "all options and no options are available."

But when you're sitting, waiting, with some distinct possibilities in place, it's different. You're waiting for that domino to drop that sets off the chain reaction. You're small ripples in a pond from water dripping off a leaf...It could continue, it could become a downpour and all those little ripples become a wave, or someone could throw a stone into the pond. Or a boulder.

Or possibly the entire world.

And then your original little ripples are consumed.

Trying to be tranquil in this sea of troubles is not more forte.

Crazy kinda year

Oh man, what a crazy kinda year.

I've had some good performances and worked my ace off. Helped plan and run a successful (if i don't say so myself) small festival over 2 days. we had 4 concerts, i teched all of them. The final piece on the final concert was the premier of "most of" Dance of Disillusionment and Despair. It was performed wonderfully by the group here in KC.

On May 1st, 7pm, Baruch College, I'll have the premier of the entire work. I've been working with Whitney George and Sarah E. Fox and a host of players in NYC, most of whom I actually know (crazy, right?). I'm excited to hear the whole work, even if it is using a 4 1/3 octave marimba and not a 5 octave. Oh well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

I also made my KC debut with It Was Raining, sponsored on a concert by KcEMA, and performed by Bonnie Lander. We had almost no rehearsal time, but had quite the performance. I actually should have the recording fixed up nicely in the first part of the summer.

Made my KC conducting debut as well. Andrew Cole didn't make it easy on me, but i owned up to the challenge. The piece, Three Dances for the Digital Era, is unrelenting to say the least. Think i lost 10lbs just that evening.

All in all, it's been one crazy year. But i think the work is paying off. People are starting to take some notice. Hear the music, see me around. I've gotten a couple people asking for pieces.

like I said at the end of conducting Andrew's piece "I'll take that...great work"